My Empty Shoes

~ Suzy Hazelwood

b29c7698827a02e15ae3d36c7e497a56 Facination by culdepoule - deviantart.com

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I see you
staring down at my empty shoes
where your boys feet should be
running
dancing
and living

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I know what you are thinking
you’re going over
the things you taught me
all the times you said
don’t do that – but always do this
to be safe
so nothing would steal me from you

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You’re sifting through
anxieties gone
what frightened you most
what may bring me to harm
of the times you told me
not to speak to strangers
not to linger too long
on my way to school
and to always
look left
and right
before my feet touched the road

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I kept the money safe
as you told me
in my wallet
in the back pocket of my jeans
I was nearly there
the list in my hand
of bread
milk
and ice lollies for us all

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And I did
look left
and to my right
thought it was safe
once my feet hit the crossing
thought the car was coming slow
thought they saw me
in my bright red sweatshirt
thought they’d stop

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And now
all you have
is my empty room
my lonely toys
my hollow clothes
my empty shoes
and hate
circles you
every morning
and through the night
all because of her

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You think she’s an evil woman
who drank herself numb
to kill a young life
and that her sentence
for the crime
was a joke
You think she got away
as free as a bird

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I wish you could see her
like I can

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You may still choose to hate
for all she’s taken
but you would know
she will never be free
of the sunny afternoon
when her and I
crashed together

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She stares into space
just like you

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I don’t know her thoughts
because I don’t know her
like my mother
but I do know
her family – hardly speak to her
her friends – she has no friends
and she tells her psychiatrist
she drinks even more now
because
I’ll always be in her mind

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You think it’s been a waste
all those things you told me
and the times you worried
when I was sick
when I cried with child despair
and each time I got well
you felt you’d won the battle
raised me up
new again
made everything better

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But that’s what mothers do
throughout this great earth
loving
worrying
sighing with relief
mending the broken things

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It’s just a such a pity
I never got to say
thanks mum – for trying
because – that is all we have

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.For a little boy I used to know

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If you find this a little sad, make sure to watch the video in the previous post – it may lighten the mood!

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Picture: Fascination – Deviantart

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29 thoughts on “My Empty Shoes”

  1. This is a beautiful poem. But I feel the hurt. I hurt for the little boy that’s gone to heaven. I hurt for his family that still lives, and dealing with it. Thank you for sharing!! 🙂

    1. Thank you! 🙂 It is a difficult subject to write about, I usually avoid the controversial areas of life to write about, but because I knew a family this happened to I thought I’d do my best to look at both sides of the disaster. I feel that even if the driver gets away, with little or no punishment, I don’t think anyone truly can shake something like that off.

      The family learnt to move on as much as they could, and some years later they had another baby (a little boy) and amazingly he looked so much like him, blond hair and big smiles! You can never replace a child of course, but I think it helped the family all find some joy again. He’s a grown man now – so good things can come out of dark places sometimes! 🙂

      1. All very true, you are so right! It is a very difficult subject to write about.

        I just appreciate you for listening to your heart, and being so intuitive to bring this difficult situation to light.

        I know when tragedy hits, it’s hard sometimes to even begin to bounce back. I’m just overjoyed and, so very glad that the family is much stronger, God Bless Them and You!! 🙂 🙂

  2. Nobody ever overcomes a tragedy without help from others. I didn’t think it was too too much for those reading it during Mother’s Day. And I know it just happened to be posted during that time…coincidence. I so hate reading news about accidents that happen for no reason except that they happened. You wonder what is going to happen tomorrow.

    1. That’s true! I am tend to be a bit of a loner these days (I like it that way – I can think better!) but we do need people sometimes, even if it’s just to stop us falling over the edge at a dark time in our life. Yes, I was a bit shocked when people started wishing me Happy Mothers Day! It is not the kind of thing I’d choose to put up on Mothers Day – but it’s difficult enough to remember all those dates in my own country, never mind remember all the others round the world!!! 🙂 But thanks for the reassurance!

      Any kind of death is horrible, but accidents are like a horror movie become real, and when it’s someone really young it is especially grieving, and in many cases I don’t think people ever really get over it. In fact, I find myself writing about death in different ways – so maybe I haven’t really got over these people I used to know just disappearing.

      I know what you mean – I try not to think about tomorrow!

  3. You know what’s strange Suzy? I have never known anyone that has passed away. Perhaps my world of people is so small that I have yet to experience that. I see people writing about losing loved ones all the time, and it’s one of those pains that I cannot completely empathize with. I know it’s a good thing that I haven’t known loss to this extent, but still do find it rather odd…

    1. It is a good thing that you haven’t lost anyone close, and quite rare I would think! My grandmother (my fathers mother) was my first experience of loss, I was 7 years old, and to see my big strong dad fall apart on hearing the news in a phone call was quite frightening – felt like it was the end of the world! But my Mum was the first really close person I had to face losing, I was 34 and it really felt too young to be losing my mother, but after it had happened I met so many people who lost their mothers or fathers when they were children. That really puts the loss into perspective, and I realised how lucky I was to have had a mother that long, at least I was grown up enough to cope with it all. The little boy that inspired this poem was someone I knew as a child and he’d died by the time I was thirteen, and then there were a couple of distant friends who died in my 20’s (people I hadn’t seen for a while) there’s been quite a few over the years.

      It must be very difficult to fully understand the emotions when you are reading a poem describing loss. We do tend to use our memory and emotion banks in our minds to connect with another person feelings and expressions. And if the experience is not there, yes – it must be very odd reading all those sad poems! But I hope you continue to find it odd for a long time, because that means you’re in a good place! 🙂

      You don’t want to get like me, and have to keep reminding yourself not write another piece about death, because there really is so much in life to write about! But in my everyday life I’m not one of those melancholy fools that likes to wallow in the misery of loss – unless I’m just in denial!! 😀

      1. I don’t know many relatives, and most of my dads side died already before I got to know them. As for friends, none have passed. I know of people who have lost a relative or friend. I knew of a co-worker who committed suicide. I know of old classmates that have done the same as well. None that I was close to though, so it didn’t affect me as losing a close person would. I know one day it will happen. I’m not sure how I would handle it Suzy, and I’m kind of afraid…

  4. Touching, heart-warming, goosebumps! These words are going to be difficult to forget. I think we should collaborate on a post sometime in the future. I feature poets, writers and artists in my blog from time to time. I would love to work with you on a poem about bullying, child abuse, love, friendship, whichever of these you choose to go with an excerpt of my book The Basement. Check out my latest post, where I feature poet, Adrianna Joleigh so that you can see what I mean. 😀
    http://vashtiqvega.wordpress.com

    1. Thank you Vashti! 🙂 This is going to sound really silly, but I didn’t realize you had a blog! I have a bad habit of clicking and viewing Gravatars to see what links people have, and I didn’t see a WordPress blog, only Facebook and Twitter. I’m not really into those, so tend not to visit them much. I was forgetting to click on your name, and of course it takes me straight to your blog – I shall try and remember that in the future, sorry about that!!

      I don’t think I’m going to have the time to write anything new, in terms of writing something for one of your posts, as I am at my limit for time now with various projects ongoing and another writers website I participate in. Even reading and commenting takes a lot of time! 🙂 Also I’m not good at writing poems or stories with a subject presented to me, I don’t find it inspiring, and even my own lists of ideas are waiting a long time sometimes. I tend to write with whatever is on my mind the most, and go with the flow! And I’m often starting a written piece two months in advance, because I like to leave it a while, and come back to edit quite a few times until I feel it’s ready, so for me it’s quite a long process. Some of my humorous light weight poems have been written very quickly, but the deep ones – I take my time with those!

      The only thing I can say yes to, would be if there is anything on here that might compliment an excerpt from your book or maybe something you see me post in the near future, then certainly let me know, I’d be very happy to go with that – just let me know!
      Suzy 😀

  5. Loved it! The experience is equally painful from the other person’s point of view. Good expression of feelings.

    1. Thank you! This is one of those situations where there are no winners, everyone loses so much. I wanted to convey the whole story, not just the obvious victims. I’m very pleased you got something from it! 🙂

    1. Thank you Geo! I always wonder about the person who has created the crime – I know they are wrong and nothing will undo what’s been done, but inside they are still a human, and I think some of those suffer a lot more than most victims of crime ever really believe they do. It’s a very debatable subject, and one that some get quite heated about! 🙂

    1. Oh yes, crossing roads is a lot more dangerous than we often feel it is! I always think of the that little boy – remember him every time I’m on a crossing! 🙂

    1. Thank you Andy! I hope this wasn’t too tragic for Mothers Day? I wasn’t aware it was Mothers Day, because we celebrated our mothers in the UK back in March! 🙂

    1. Thank you – but I’m not actually mother! 🙂 But nice of you to say that anyway! I wasn’t aware that it was Mothers Day, it isn’t in the UK, we had Mothers Day back in March. I often forget the big difference in our dates for Mothers Day! 🙂

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