Superbright Daylight

 Ophelia_post-3

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.I believed you were the man

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The end of hoping
the beginning of reality

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The one who knew love
the one to match my soul
You were mine
and I was all yours

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But you told me
I hurt people

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I’m not perfect
and I make mistakes
was the way I heard it

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I’m not into relationships
you said

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I just need a little time
I was sure you wanted to say

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When translation of words
was found to be wrong
when nothing said
made sense any more
bitterness found a resting place
grew like tangled briers
embedding into my stupid flesh

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Agony
became a tree of death
fought with my roots
drinking my water

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Slowly
I withered
craving
the light of truth
twisted
bone dry and brittle
was all I became

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Fatigue
overwhelmed my being
death
seemed a way of escape
ending it all
became a fantasy
but not one I would ever approach

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I had no courage
and certainly not for death

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But death was always there
the worst of all kinds
hiding
silent
we encouraged it everyday

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We hugged it
kissed it
danced and caressed it
we were in love
with nothing at all
never once did we let it go
our stupid childish minds
turned it to a never ending game

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One morning
I woke from my sleep of many years
the light became superbright
forced my eyes
to see everything at once

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And I saw that luminance upon you
was not light at all
just a shining reflection
of all my foolish desires
How terribly overcast you looked that day
my love

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I thought all air had been stolen from me
panic seized my heart
made it race
run right out of control
I could do nothing but…..breathe
breathe in
keep calm
just breathe

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I stopped hearing my lies
saw the stranger in you
one that never came really close
never in honesty
ever touched
or kissed a single cell of my body

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Told myself to inhale deeply
no matter how painful
absorb the truth
and nothing but the truth
to see in blood red now
no more black and white
or rose tinted neon view

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Stopped drinking slow poison
you offered me each day
refused to perform our drama
no more Ophelia
in the Drowning Of My Life

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Your words turned again
to a language I could not understand
saw the hell
you invited to my home
saw how I had fabricated
a woman made man
turned you into a god
and like a mad man
you believed you were
struck me down as gods often do
and discovered another angel

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But she was not angelic
as you had hoped
disappointment
made you return
but still to me
you did not shine
and the memory
of inflictions
was all I could feel
I turned my face away
and you disappeared

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How gracious
superbright daylight has been
to a woman who lived in the dark

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I have no fantasies now
no graven images live with me
no lies
poison
or pain

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No wish for end
for there is nothing to end

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Only light
superbright
everyday
keeps my soul breathing

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And no gods
will be born
from my mind
or will ever
strike me again

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about_viewing_the_world_from_inside_the_closet_by_laurazalenga-d5vpoum

You might have guessed by now that this is a very personal poem!  I don’t think I’ve written anything on here quite like this before, something directly from of my life, in regard to relationships, except of course the short story inspired by my Mother back in March which although to some extent fiction, was very personal.   So I’m feeling a little naked now!!

BUT it’s good to do that to myself occasionally, and every uncomfortable move is a step closer to where I want to be.  I felt a little uncomfortable when I first put my voice up on SoundCloud.  I really wanted to do that, but I didn’t at the same time – I’m over that anxiety now! gfxlovers.com/smilies

I just wanted to say, that despite it’s seriousness, this failed relationship was a long time ago, and my emotions are not entwined with the writing any more than was necessary to write it.  But I have to say, it was a little strange hearing my voice speak it back to me – a bit like meeting yourself in a time slip!

So please feel free to comment as you wish, because I’m not going to be sensitive about this.  Writing in any form is about sharing experiences of life, feeling you’re not alone, and maybe even assisting in helping someone to move on.  As I said back in June on the Charles Bukowski post, I’m Ok with dark poetry, and I know a lot of you felt the same.  So today this is my dark, or perhaps I should say, was!

On a lighter note, talking of Mr Bukowski, I find it very amusing that Charles has beaten me in my most liked post list – and I suppose he should really, after all he was the poet, and I’m just the novice!!!

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Pictures: Ophelia – Adrian Gibbs Photography
About viewing the world from inside the closet by LauraZalenga – Deviantart

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51 thoughts on “Superbright Daylight

  1. I just love hearing you read your own poems. Keeps me from rushing through them and missing the understanding. Not that I always understand..lol
    As I was reading and scrolling down, that prancing little cat on the side bar appeared. Seeing it rather changed the mood of the poem. I had to laugh. 🙂

    1. Oh, thank you! 🙂 It’s a good feeling to hear myself and not be too annoyed at my own voice now – getting used to it! Yes, I’ve noticed when readings have been done on blogs, it does help with concentration and understanding, probably because both the eyes and ears are involved – information going in two ways must help! 🙂

      Haha!! The sexy cat – that’s what I call her! I found that soon after I started a Tumblr blog. Bloggers love their gifs on Tumblr, and that one really made me laugh, and still does every time I see it. Clever little animation too! 🙂

  2. Oooo I love it Ms Suzy!!! I think you have started something…..Your poem is so beautifully written. I felt my brokenness after reading this poem… I guess like so many, I felt, I was reading events from my life. I think, poetry in itself is so helpful and therapeutic, cathartic even. I have to say, I’ve chickened out so many times when it came to posting personal poems of such raw emotion. I’m still battling with it. Hopefully, I will find the courage in the future to be vulnerable enough to be little naked. Lol Ps I’m going to go listen to you read now…to put the icing on the cake. 🙂

    1. Thank youuu!!! 😀 Have I started something? That sounds good! Oh, but I thought your poems sounded quite personal! But I guess that there are many types of personal when it comes to writing – some are personal, and others VERY personal, so I think I know what you mean! Yes, poetry is definitely therapeutic. Now that I’ve posted this I can look at it and think ‘mm, yeah that was pretty dire wasn’t it?’ But in a positive way, because I left it behind when I really didn’t think I could for many years and many reasons. He’s had to face himself now, without my presence reassuring him that what he was doing was somehow OK. The essence of that relationship to me now was – we were each others very big lesson!! This life never really works how we think it does, and sometimes it seems we will learn no other way. But a lesson ‘truly’ learned is very precious indeed!

      I’m sure you will post the ones you really want to one day, so lets hope your ‘chickening out’ comes to an end very soon! 😀

      1. Yes Ma’am Ms Suzy!!! I hope so too. Oh yes Ma’am, it was pretty dire!!! So brave!! I’m so glad for you. I know often times when we go through things, and the saying still holds true, what doesn’t kill us, sure enough makes us stronger. You are right, life is funny. Sometimes, it doesn’t turn out the way we expect. But eventually the road will smooth out & it all will work out for our good!! 🙂

  3. Oh, Suzy… thank you for being transparent, vulnerable… this is illuminating and my heart opened up listening to your heart pour out its former pain. I could listen to you read all day long; your voice is so calming, even in the midst of reading difficult emotions. I agree with mrsjacoby19, that this seems so cathartic for you; and I even see someone in my life who is struggling with love right now in your poem. Wonderful. You have such a gift!

    1. Thank you so much!! 🙂 Ah yes, well I’m calm about it these days, not so much back then! Yes, suffering in relationships is such a big thing, personality clashes are a main cause for that, it’s a great pity there isn’t some other way, but it seems some of us have some very valuable lessons to learn in that direction. I’m always really pleased to hear about couples that get on really well, such a relief to know that it is possible for some to meet the right person. I hope your friend, in one way or another finds that light to take them where they need to be very soon! 🙂

  4. First, I enjoy listening to you read your poems. There is a stronger bond with you (the poet) as a result. This is beautifully written and read.

    Second, unfortunate as it is/was, such events are what make us stronger and develop our lives. You would not be alone in experiencing such pain. I am very glad to hear that you are living in the light now.

    1. Thank you – I’m beginning to enjoy recording them too, and I know what you mean by a stronger bond as a result of hearing the voice of the person who wrote the poem. I’ve really enjoyed poetry readings on blogs too, it helps to make a connection, making the writing more real than fantasy – unless it is fantasy of course! 🙂

      And I completely agree with you about unfortunate events in life making us stronger. I think for most of us we have to at least reach our 30’s before we even begin to understand and eventually appreciate that is how life is, and it’s probably not going to change much either. And thank you, yes I’ve realised I’m not alone in these things (that helps a lot to know) and the internet is a very good place to remind myself of that, so many people with so many life stories! Pouring the light of truth on everything is definitely my way now! 😀

    1. Thanks for the quote! 🙂 Definitely no fantasies at all now, that’s mainly down to growing up, acquiring a mature outlook on life! 😉 And yes, the realization ‘is’ the brightness! 🙂

  5. Your poem takes me to a very dark time in my life and I perfectly understand the deception you described so well. I felt I was losing my former self and presented a facade of happiness so people would not know how upside my life was. Then, I decided to stop drinking the Kool-Aid and leave. Initially, I had some hesitation about making that move. Looking back, I’m glad I left the dark and walked toward the light.

    Your poem is beautiful, Suzy, and enjoyed your telling of it.

    1. Ah, so you’ve been there Judy, and good that you escaped into life too! Yes, losing our former selves, our true self is what is so consuming about that kind of relationship. And if we lose our selves, then trying to live with that eventually becomes impossible, and hiding it from some people in your life is just horrible, certainly no way to live.

      I don’t think we have Kool Aid here ( just looked that up! 🙂 ) looks like a lovely illusionary happy drink! 😉 I was very lucky that I didn’t have to physically leave, I had my own living space, that makes it a little easier to do. But because of the closeness of the relationship for some length of time, it takes time away from them to realise it’s the right thing to do, and that I was dying in the relationship and wouldn’t if I was out of it. Those nagging thoughts can last a while though, I think mine went on to some extent for a couple of years – horrible! 😦

      Well, thanks so much for sharing that Judy, and for the lovely compliment – I’m enjoying recording the poems too! 😀

      1. By ‘drinking the Kool-Aid,’ I am referring to what happened to the unsuspecting and/or loyal followers during the November 1978 Jonestown Massacre. Cultist Jim Jones had their Kool-Aid laced with cyanide and it resulted in the deaths of about 1,000 men, women and children. But the other meanings linked to this phrase apply as well.

        I did feel as if a part of me was dying every day until I broke out of that relationship. As you said, it can take years to overcome and rebuild your confidence/trust in yourself and others. Glad you successfully navigated that mine field. 🙂

        1. Ah, that’s very sinister, but interesting, I didn’t know about the cyanide in the Kool-Aid. Probably because I was a child then, never knew about headlines like that until I was a lot older. But it makes perfect sense of what you said now! 🙂

  6. My friend, I don’t think this is dark at all , it’s life and I love the way you expressed– at one point you were blind to what really was and then you were awakened to the truth and accepted truth and your strength endured as time went on and temptation tried to knock on your door again. Awe inspiring!!! Thank you for sharing “you” with us. (((hugs)))

    1. Ah, well it felt dark to me at the time, but I know what you mean, it is just blindness, and learning to wake up from it, and there are so many things in life like that. We probably never stop truly waking up from anything!

      Oh yes, temptation definitely knocked at my door, literally sometimes! 😉 I’m glad you found it awe inspiring – that’s really lovely of you to say that, and a special thank you for the hugs too!! 😀

  7. I really enjoyed listening to you Suzy, it made this seem all the more personal. Good for you…for being brave and putting yourself out there! You are an inspiration!

    1. Oh thank you so much Susan! 🙂 Yes I think the readings do make it more personal, and I’m learning a lot from doing that too. So recordings are good all round really! Brave!? I think it helps that enough time has gone by for me to give myself permission to tell it now, and it’s about time too! 🙂

  8. Oh Suzy this is so very powerful. I could feel its sting. But I have to say I am so pleased that you are in superbright daylight now. We learn to live with these feelings as they become distant memories, but however bright the daylight we never forget them i can relate. It struck me while reading this the imnense power just one person can have over us. Its quite frightening really, like some kind of raging ocean, far too powerful to imagine xx.

    1. It has a sting!? Well, that’s good, certain pieces of writing need a sting otherwise they don’t come across as real. So thank you for that Christine, that’s very reassuring from a writing point of view! 🙂

      No, and we need to remember them to some extent to keep us from ending up there again! Oh yes, it is very alarming the power that one person can have over us, even if they are not intentionally trying to control, somehow their rubbish contaminates us, and turns us into something we don’t recognise. But I will be staying in the light from now on, no matter what happens in the future, I won’t be letting go of what I’ve learned! 🙂

  9. I thought of what to say to that, Suzy. You know people change with the time, for the worse or for the better. We do recollect the moments. They never recur in the same way. It was not just meant to be. But it was meant to be in the way you’ve described. Nice voice you have : )

    1. Yes, I completely agree with you, people do change for the worse or the better with time. I suppose that’s one of those risks we all take when getting into a new relationship, we have no idea at the beginning truly which way it will go. And I do feel as we mature in years, we find what we would have accepted when we are younger isn’t necessarily acceptable five or ten years later. I have felt at times I wished I’d never met that man, but I don’t feel that now. I do believe a lot of uncomfortable situations in life teach us a huge amount about ourselves and how life really is, and without them we would never learn anything. So yes, I believe it was meant to be – we were each others lesson, and perhaps that was it’s purpose. And thank you Yuriy for the compliment on the voice! I’m enjoying breaking out of fear of reading out my own writing (and hearing it back) – another lesson for me! 😀

      1. It’s a sheer curiosity : ) I mean “the want” to see the person once more. I’ve had some casual and accidental meetings, probably these were not the meetings of “the want kind” – we were different, stiff and embarrassed – artificial. At least one of two has a barrier. That’s funny sometimes. May be I’m kindly cynical or jocular about it. : ) Really nice voice is, Suzy : )

    1. Thank you Geo! 🙂 I certainly feel empowered these days, so much learned, and a lot of moving forward – I almost don’t recognise myself sometimes (in a good way!) And I will certainly keep breathing that light, because it’s impossible to really ‘live’ in the dark anyway! 😀

  10. Oh Suzy,

    That is a lovely poem. As I read it, I could visualise those intense feelings you hold, the values that you carry expanding out of your core and then engulfing you in its aura.

    What resonated are these simple yet powerful lines of yours.

    “When translation of words
    was found to be wrong
    when nothing said
    made sense any more.”

    Shakti

    1. Thank you so much! 🙂 Ah yes, the translation of words! It’s not good when two people who speak the same language don’t understand each other, or lie to them selves at what they think they are hearing. And when nothing makes any sense any more – there’s not much left to hold on to. Thank you for highlighting that piece – that is the turning point, the realization of, this is not right – I am not right. Time to change! 🙂

    1. Oh – thank you! 🙂 I think you should, it’s a great feeling once you get past the first recording. After the initial nerves it’s quite fun to do, and also a great way to help your followers feel they know you a little more. Definitely go for it! 😀

  11. Fantastic!!! I’m looking forward to connecting at SoundCloud. I agree with Galivanta – you have given me courage to try recording voice. You have such clarity. Well done! 🙂

    1. Oh thank you Rebecca!! 🙂 So you are going on SoundCloud, well that’s great you feel inspired enough to do that! Are going to read poetry or something else? I’m trying to find stories on there at the moment either real life ones or fiction, as SoundCloud has so many things to discover on there. I find the best way to do a search is through Google and add SoundCloud at the end of what you are searching for. SoundClouds own search isn’t great if you’re browsing for anything of interest.

      You might find this video interesting if you want to record your voice, it’s mainly aimed at singers, but I thought it was intriguing what he had to say – sounds like a man who knows what he’s talking about! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eWLWOSgYlG8

      I shall look out for you on SoundCloud! 😀

  12. Such a beautiful poem Suzy and I have the feeling that the best poems are the very personal ones 🙂 It’s so great you are so courageous to post it and also read it out loud. I admire!

    1. Thank you so much Elena for your thoughts and admiration! 🙂 Yes, I agree the very personal ones do seem to be the best poetry, I’ve thought that of others too. Often not the easiest to write, but strangely rewarding in the end, and recording the readings I think has done me a lot of good in many ways. I had to find the courage for the first one, I took ages to upload it to SoundCloud. But it’s like most things in life once you get over the nervous bit, it’s all good fun after that! 🙂

  13. I came here from Meme and am so glad that I did. I have read but not listened yet to your poem (this computer has no sound!) but I will later. This is a beautiful piece of writing and you have a new follower! 🙂

  14. Wow, Suzy, while reading and listening to your words, I thought to myself how dark this is for you, but I was happy to read your note at the end about it being a long time ago and now the superbright daylight illuminates your current path. As I’ve said before, I love your voice and am glad you got over the anxiety of letting us hear it. Beautiful words from your soul and thanks for sharing a bit of you with us…xo

    1. Yes, it is very dark, not a place I’d wish to go again! But it was good to write it, partly because I actually like a certain level of dark subjects in writing (novels for example) not too much though, and it has to be real. But also because I’ve learnt in the last year how therapeutic poetry can be, to write about the unpleasant pieces of life, the memories we often push to the back of our mind.

      This one was a little difficult to read, partly because of it’s length (over 6 minutes) that’s a long time to be recording and not make a single mistake – which of course I did, many times! 🙄 And also because my mind kept thinking “did I really live that?” “do you really want to tell everyone this?” Kind of a little distracting those thoughts!! 🙂 But thank you so much for your compliments, that helps a lot to know that! 😀

  15. That was very powerful Suzy. And doesn’t love blind us sometimes? Words that fall out of someone’s mouth takes on a whole new meaning when it enters our thoughts and their intentions. I’ve been there, and one day it hits you – the truth.

    I once shared the same sentiments of this person being God-like but in him everything drowned in the black hole of his heart. Everything he touched with his fingertips burned, and left me with nothing but ashes. My favorite piece:

    And no gods
    will be born
    from my mind
    or will ever
    strike me again

    J’adore ♥ Also, it’s good to hear your voice again.

    1. Oh thank you so much Britt, that’s good it came across that way! 🙂 I was worried when I was recording this, it would sound very dreary and “oh dear what a terrible time I had” tone – don’t like it when poems come across as a sympathy trip. It’s so easy to get the tone in my voice wrong, and it all come out wrong. I’ve acquired a lot of respect for anyone who does narration for a job, it’s soooo much harder than I imagined!

      Oh yes, it makes me wonder sometimes if I know what real love is any more. It’s so easy to confuse it with obsession – wanting that person to be how you see them, and them wanting to turn you into how they see you, not how we actually are. And the miserable thing about that, we never seem to see it until we are out of it for some time – and then it’s “what the hell did I do that for!?” 😐

      Yes, I think I remember one of your poems mentioning something to do with the man being God like, unless it was something you said accompanying the poem? Oh yes no gods – notice the small ‘g’ the most common low grade ones appearing in our mind – who needs them!!!!? 😀

    1. Thank you Robert! 🙂 Raw is a good way to describe it. Definitely that!! It was good to do this. I always thought that speaking something out often ingrained unpleasant things even more, but I found the opposite, it seemed to help let something go, and that’s a good feeling! I don’t want to do too much heavy poetry, but I could do with getting a few more lead weights to fly, feel a little lighter! 😀

      1. well i remember our discussions of you wanting to do this and being unsure, but look at you flying now :). and you’re right it does feel great letting loose something that had us bounded.

  16. I can relate to this. I have had relationships where my imagination created qualities from small bits of evidence that later turned out to be entirely the opposite from the actual qualities possessed. And I have found myself paying attention to the wrong behaviors, as though some sleight of hand were taking place, some shell game, look over here, not over there. Since most people create a public facade, I don’t think it’s entirely possible to ever really know someone else, is it? I’m glad though that you learned not to give a partner god-like powers. Most of us don’t deserve those and can’t live up to them.

    I thought your voice was beautiful. I loved your poem more for having heard you reading it. I hope your off-blog writing is going well. 🙂

    1. Thank you so much Brenda – I’m enjoying doing the readings! 🙂
      Oh, well that’s good to know I’m not the only one who reinterprets what I think a person is saying! It’s difficult when you haven’t known someone very long, because like you’ve said most people create a public facade, so you don’t truly see who they are until you’ve known them a while and are really tired of their behaviour!

      I also feel that it’s common to want to see the best in people, try and understand where they have been, how past hurt may have made them build walls that they are not keen on taking down. And hope strings you along, keeps you in that relationship longer, wishing to see that person relax and learn, this new person actually loves them, it’s OK to be themselves. But in my case his problems went a lot further back than previous relationships, they went back to childhood – his whole childhood was something he would pretend he couldn’t remember. I realised after many years – this man either hasn’t got the strength to change, or doesn’t want to change. The only question remaining then is – do I want to live with this? The answer was no, because it was destroying me – and that does nothing for no-one! 😦

      It’s been good to write this and find people like yourself who know what that feels like, it happens a lot, and it’s good to relate experiences! I think the only thing that’s lingering, and damn annoying about the whole thing is I find it’s been difficult to switch that relationship part of my brain back on. I can write about love, but the reality of it is more difficult. And it’s been switched off so long, (protection mode for my sanity I guess!) it will take a very patient man to help me switch it back on – that kind of patience is rare. But it’s good that I’m not stressed about being on my own, I’m quite content in my own company. At least that’s one advantage I have! 😀

      1. You are so right, I agree with all of your comments. I do hope your switch comes live again one day, because even though living with someone requires constant patience and compromise, being alone has its disadvantages, too. I was quite content on my own for a long time, but I am happier in a family. I think. Honestly, it’s hard to remember what I used to think. Perhaps you are happier than me after all. 🙂 Being content with who and where you are is the key. 😀

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