Return To Myself

~ Suzy Hazelwood

sunset_by_robinpika

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Tonight I watched the sun melt
fall into the sea and wash away
The beauty in the sky
meant nothing at all
I was tired
so many painful hours
of dark days
watery eyes
and tear stained cheeks

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This unwelcome story
how will it end?
And where is the memory
of where it began?

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What day was it
when everything changed?
When the right to be cheerful
was no longer granted

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When the morning comes
dark will be present still
as dark as the days before
senseless moments
will play games within
jumbled
mixed up
spinning in slow backward circles
my mind will trip lightly over itself
again and again
over and over
and all before me
nothing

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I will run as fast as I can
because that is all I know
my familiar friend
my hideous buddy
my mocking dark day pal

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I’ll run until breath is extinguished
outsmarting the chasing dragon
of shadows
decades past
of the deepest black night

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Nothing follows behind
still I run
to find freedom
digging for gold
under elusive rainbows

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But always
I run alone
just me running

from I

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Drained
hollow
numb
a plain empty jar

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It’s time to lay down my fears
leave my senses to rest
I’ve run too much
too hard
too long

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Time to tell the dragon
the chase is over
acknowledge the empty space
that lingers behind
and be grateful for being alone

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I will wait for the sun
revel in the beauty of skies
resurrect all things
long dead to me

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Wait for the light
for radiance to be felt
be seen
understood
and once again become my friend

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Slow
but sure
I return to myself

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sunrise_by_magic_spoon-d32ufaz

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Don’t worry – I’ve not been losing my mind! This was a poem originally written a few years ago by writing down a few random sentences, just to see what came out without giving too much thought to what I was writing.  Some of the lines were interesting, but I wasn’t sure if it was really leading anywhere. After about ten or more random sentences I could see that it was clearly about me suffering daily depression many years ago.  So I worked on it as a poem about being in that struggle, and finally coming out of it.

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I had a long spell of depression from the age of 13 to 17, and another short burst when I was in my 30’s.  Both times it was sparked by events in my life that were oppressive to me, things I felt I couldn’t escape from.  But as dark as it was, there was a way out, and a way to break the dreadful habit forming dark thoughts too.  I don’t suffer from it now at all, although I’m not fooled by the apparent freedom.  As much as I tackled it head on, and succeeded in understanding how to be free of it, I’m always aware it could creep back when I least expect it.  Depression is like a green snake in green grass – you don’t always see it coming!

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It’s an interesting exercise writing random thoughts, kind of poetry therapy, and helps sometimes to clarify where I have been in my life, and where I am now.

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It’s a surprise to discover what comes out with these random writings. It’s a bit like doodling with words!  Does anyone else does this kind of thing – or is it just me?

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Pictures: Sunset – Sunrise

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42 thoughts on “Return To Myself”

  1. lovely and powerful expression Suzy. This poem speaks to me and my week. I love the last 2 sections, which I will hold as I do my best to return to the light of my true self. Thanks. 🙂

    1. I’m very glad it speaks to you Brad! I really hope you find what works for you in finding yourself and an improvement in your circumstances too. I’m finding in recent years making a statement of ‘this is what I need’ and saying what it is, seems to bring extraordinary results when I least expect it. I often forget though, it’s easy to lean towards the lack of and see all those things I haven’t got. I wish you well, and hope for new pathways opening up for you!

  2. Wow, that was really well written and I can so relate to this. I am going through something similar after some serious surgery. Thank you for your raw honesty. And the beautiful pictures that so well convey your feelings. And thank you for visiting my blog, I really appreciate meeting a kindred soul.

    1. Thank you so much for your kind words, that’s very encouraging! 🙂 Oh yes, surgery and illness, or both, can really work their way into your mind, I had that experience a long time ago – never to be forgotten! I really hope you find healing for your body and your mind very soon!

      I see you like striking pictures too on your lovely blog! 🙂 I think it doubles the feeling of what you are trying to convey. We get so used to seeing images everywhere, it just feels natural to use them on a blog too. I shall certainly be back to your blog, and thank you for visiting and following me. And kindred soul – I love the sound of that, thank you!!
      Suzy 😀

  3. Pingback: Return To Myself | sueshan123

  5. i think this is great. it speaks of the battles we have all fought one time or another. i like the resolve and determination to return to one’s self by the end of it.

    1. Thank you! 🙂 I thought it needed a bit of promise of a brighter day at the end, and is very true to my own life. And being ourselves is all we really need, easier said than done sometimes though!! 😀

  8. As with so many others here, your words really touched me. My mother suffered with clinical depression for years. She would try to describe to me what it felt like in words very similar to what you wrote here. You really got this right on Suzy.

    1. Thank you! 🙂 That’s a very helpful comment! After years of not having depression, I wondered if I had really explained it properly here! I don’t actually know anyone else in recent years, that suffers or has suffered the kind of depression I had, so it is very interesting, that you recognise something in my description. And thank you so much for letting me know. I opened a blog to help me broaden my thinking on writing, to take me out of my own little writers world, so to hear others opinions is a great help to me, very much appreciated! 🙂

  10. “Tonight I watched the sun melt, fall into the sea and wash away…” what beautiful beautiful words you have found to describe a simple daily happening. Love it 🙂

  12. Suzy! Your internet is working, hooray! LOL 😛

    Sometimes I do the same thing. I was telling another blogger on here that some nights, it’s just a mess in my head and so I will write random things down and try to piece them together. It works on occasion, but there are days where I have to scrap everything and call it a loss. 😦

    Are you going to test out your new found emoticons when replying to this comment? ^_^

    1. Yes it worked for me to post these two posts! But it’s still not right – still taking forever to open all sorts. I was discussing the annoyance with my brother the other night, and he said his was a little slow too, and then we were cut off from our conversation, my phone line didn’t go completely dead but I couldn’t call anyone, I had a bleeping tone for a busy line no matter what I dialled! 😯 I went to phone him on my mobile, and found I only had 16p on my phone credit (forgot to top credit up!) We reconnected on the home phone half an hour later! I’m guessing there may be a connection there, as the phone line has completely gone dead before when my internet stopped working. Very annoying, always when you’re in the middle of something too! gfxlovers.com/smilies

      It’s always worth a try with the random lines, but yes I agree occasionally it just doesn’t work, and it’s all a load if gibberish nonsense, but some people write poetry like that anyway!! gfxlovers.com/smilies

      I hope these smilies come out! I like this one, taking a shower – and I’m off to do the same now!!

        1. No – you survived the spammy box!! 😀 They are very cute! But they get me so drawn in on which one to choose, I’m sure last time I was there at least 10 minutes in delighted confusion as to which one to pick! 😆

  13. Loved your poem! I also liked your description at the end “doodling with words.” I like to do that mainly when I don’t have an idea of what to write but I want to write something. Great emotion in this piece.

    1. Thank you! Yes doodling with words is the only description I could best describe it as!! It’s very useful sometimes, but other times, it isn’t so successful! 😀

    1. Thank you! I’ve managed to rework quite a few of my old poetry, but some of them will never be seen on here – they are just too embarrassing! But it’s good fun to turn something not so good into something better! 😀

  16. “I’m always aware it could creep back when I least expect it. Depression is like a green snake in green grass – you don’t always see it coming!” – A very good strategy. I like it. Have a happy weekend.

    1. It’s always good to have a strategy – especially if you’ve been caught out before. I was a bit shocked to find it return in my 30’s, so yes, I’m always mindful of my state of mind! Have a good weekend too!! 😀

  17. A fantastic poem – so interesting to read how it was written – makes one think the subconscious – that wellspring of so much creativity – is so intelligent and ordered within itself, we just don’t see it till we do an exercise like this..loved it!! 🙂

    1. Thank you Helen! 🙂 Yes, the subconscious mind is full of amazing stuff, sometimes a little alarming, but nevertheless very useful if you can dip into it now and then! 😀

    1. Oooh! 😦 Your old dark day pal, mm.. not nice! It is odd how sometimes very small things can bring it back. I have an occasional day here and there were I feel a little down, but I think that’s just human to feel that, but when it gets to the point of spending nearly every day in breakouts of tears – that’s when I realised all those years ago that my teenage depression had come for a second visit! I also found out a few years later that certain toothpastes for sensitive teeth have an ingredient in some of them that can make depression a lot worse. Sounds crazy doesn’t it? The strange thing is, I was actually using one of those at the time of the second visit of depression, and a few months after I stopped using it, I did seem a lot better in my mind despite circumstances in my life still not being great (I had plenty to be depressed about, but really wasn’t down any more.) I didn’t know about that chemical in the toothpaste at the time, but it’s something that I’m a little suspicious of, and I will only use very natural toothpaste now. And it turned out to be tap water making my gums sensitive, I only use bottled water now, for drinking, cooking, and cleaning teeth as well! And no more need for sensitive toothpaste!!

      Well I hope you find a solution with what to do with your old uninvited friend. It’s not always easy to deal with. But one thing I did do, especially when I was a teenager, was learn to recognise every time I had a negative thought, even a tiny one, and pause for a moment, acknowledge it, and refuse to think on it, tell it “No, we are not doing that any more!” I used to do that even when I didn’t really believe it would work, but it did – every time! And eventually a new pattern of thinking formed, and it stopped happening. So maybe give something like that a try. But it does sound a bit Barbara Woodhouse style with her doggy advice, doesn’t it!? Don’t be too harsh on yourself! 🙂

    1. Yes thank you Benjamin! I’m in a reasonable mind set these days. Just felt it was good to write about it all, remind myself of where I used to be! 😀

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