To Find The Lost Girl

8past8_by_ssuunnddeeww-001.

Fairy tales
grown up dreams
fantasy for little girls
counting snow flakes
falling from sky
jumping in puddles
and skidding on mud
free of care upon my shoulders


These things that used to be me
Where are they now?


For open eyes
I’ve exchanged them all
for horror
I did not want to see
for truth
I did not wish to understand
sensations
I did not desire to feel


What happened to the little girl?
The one with big smiles
laughter unrestrained
swishy pony tails
and pink ribbons
dolls and prams
mud pies and playdough art
summer lunchtime in the Wendy House
hot cocoa and bedtime stories


What remains
is a woman who desires to smile
more than she is able


My hands
still they are empty
waiting
to be filled
with something
of value
life giving energy


I close my eyes
and wish
for so much


Dare I ask
to discover
there is no more to be found?


I’ll search
to find the lost girl
in all her hiding places
we will picnic together
a tea time of the mind
feast on simple things
on what has not been tasted
for so many years


Then maybe
she will come out
from her hiding place
from her little safe house
her sympathetic prison
to find the world a better place
to discover again
jumping in puddles
and counting snow
may still be possible


To feel a smile often
and maybe
just maybe
laugh until it hurts
one more time

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And this applies to the boys as well!

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Picturessuunnddeeww Deviantart

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A tea time of the mind

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70-Sus_StA_Pram02-2 (2)This is me, age 4 in the very early 70’s, with my favourite pastime in those days, my dolls pram, a tatty one too! I acquired a smart black and white one soon after this picture was taken.  For some strange reason I have no photographs of that pram. This picture always stands out as a happy time in my life, I can even remember my mum standing there on that sunny day helping me to get the right pose, and lifting the dolls arms to make her look more alive.

I think the reason that I see it as a happy time, is because it’s before I started school, before I had any major contact with the outside world. And school was the bane of my life, the day I started school was the first time I felt anxiety, loneliness, and a feeling of not really fitting in.

I didn’t want to fit in, at least not with all the teaching and relentless rules, and the long hours away from home. I wanted to be with my mum, doing the things I wanted to do, like I appear in this picture. And yes, I did grow up and get over that! And no, I don’t have problems interacting with the world as a normal adult, but I would love to return to certain aspects of this moment in my life, without the need to become 4 years old again! I would like to get in touch with the little girl I have left behind. These thoughts I began to have around Christmas 2012 inspired me to write them down, and over a few months To Find The Lost Girl emerged.


Don’t worry, I’m not having a nervous breakdown! Just some reflective thoughts on the real essence of who Suzy really is, what interested me and where and how my outlook on life was formed. Because there have been many horrible things I have had to face over the years, as a lot of people do, and I feel those unpleasant moments in life can slowly erode the real you, and the real you must never be diminished. And I am sure I’m not the only one who has reached their mid forties, to find this wondering going round in their mind. Perhaps it has something to do with reaching a halfway point in a human life, and needing a pause for thought – in order to be ready to move on, to start to become that older person, that most of us when we are young are afraid to even think about.


56748935My brother very kindly recently acquired from Amazon some of my old little girl annuals that I used to own at that age.  I am looking forward to sitting down, maybe accompanied by that cup of cocoa I used to have, and blissfully absorb myself into those old familiar pages. But when I get round to it I’m sure so much more is going to come to mind of who I used to be while reading those well loved books.  But I’ve got a feeling that I’m not going to like the cocoa!! 🙂


image051-2And this is me outside the Wendy House! I had many lunches and picnics in that little soft plastic house, and I remember being very excited when the little home was bought for me.  Oh the things that you get a thrill out of at that age! 🙂 But this Wendy House had two things about it that made it not such an ideal home.

On a hot day it would heat up so much it became airless, and I recall my mum being very concerned that I would fall asleep in there with the door flap down and suffocate! And one glorious sunny afternoon, my mum and I settled down on a blanket, inside that plastic home, our lunch attractively laid out, and suddenly an unexpected gust of wind lifted the entire house, it took off like Dorothy’s house in the Wizard Of Oz, and landed at the other end of the garden upside down in the vegetable patch, leaving us open mouthed and in shock!! 😯 From that day on the frame of the Wendy House got pinned to the ground on windy days!


ryanlerch_worldlabel.com_girlface5If like me you are in need of a childhood recharge, don’t forget to treat yourself to a tea time of the mind, whatever it requires, don’t let any more time pass – do it now!

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34 thoughts on “To Find The Lost Girl

  1. I enjoy your personal posts and poetry. You are very interesting Suzy, and I like being able to see part of your world and past.

    Dolls… they scare me though, very much so >_<

    Not sure why, but they do so I do not own any and have never played with one before. Even if they were given to me as gifts. I would leave them to collect dust.

    1. I’m glad you enjoyed it! And the pictures there are the ones promised, and it’s kind of weird seeing my little girl memories up there. I’m just trying to imagine what I would have made of someone predicting to me as a child that those pictures would be able to be viewed anywhere in the world one day! We get so used to it now, all this technology, but it is quite amazing really, when you give some thought to how life was, even in the 90’s, so different now!

      I have heard of a dislike for dolls, and I can sort of understand that, they are a bit staring, almost like dead people. It’s a bit like some people don’t like clowns. I saw a programme recently about phobias and it was amazing what really simple things some people find terrifying, one woman was scared of peas! She said “If I see a bowl of peas on a table, I feel as if they are out to get me!” Kind of made all my fears irrelevant that statement – I felt so much better! 😆

  2. That was a beautiful piece, so reflective yet yearning for both freedom from the now by reconnecting with ones inner child. I could be completely wrong as well. 🙂 in my own way I understand completely. I’ll be waiting on the window sill Wendy bird, just in case you find my shadow.
    Always
    Benjamin

    1. Thank you Benjamin! 🙂 We all leave behind the child we used to be, because we have to, we have to grow up. But essentially they are still there, just waiting for us to reconnect again, with all the important bits! I’ve waited a while before sharing this, did a lot of rereads and amendments to get it right! I’m very pleased you think it’s beautiful, that means a lot to me! 😀

  3. I love this poem, the follow up story and your photographs. I love the main photograph very much as it has now give me an idea about how I want to photograph my daughter. You story really made me smile and took me back to a few memories of my own childhood, particularly it made me remember the Wendy house in infant school which I just adored playing in. Beautifully written as always Suzi.

    1. Thank you Jo! I think there must be a lot of Wendy House memories floating around in grown up minds! I remember one at school too, but it was made of wood and folded away when not in use! I think it even had a kitchen sink made from wood too! I used to think that one was a lot more upper class than my little plastic home!

      Oh yes, the main picture! 🙂 I had been searching for ages on Deviantart looking for a perfect picture and not much was really grabbing my attention. I didn’t want something sweet and girlie. And I think I nearly cried when I found that picture! It was so perfect! And I think reminded me of all those portraits I had done years ago. If I had kept it up I definitely would have wanted to do something like this, because I had started to create portraits where I got the person in the photograph to look away as though it was a moment in their daily life, not a posed portrait. I think that style works really well. It’s almost a mini story in itself that picture! Her pose is something we’ve all done as children – I’d be worried about my elbows hurting or getting grass stains now! But you just don’t care when you are that age!

      If you want to look at more of that photographers work I’ve created a link at the bottom of the poem, that will take you to the picture. When you arrive, just click on her user name underneath the picture and then ‘gallery’ at the top of the page and you should be able to view all her pictures – they are quite an amazing photographer, and do a lot of B&W, which should interest you!

      I’m looking forward to see what you come up with Jo – I’m sure it will be brilliant! 😀

      1. Thanks I will have a look at that! I have just done a quick practice one for now which I will post shortly. I always try to get my subjects to either look away or get them candidly. I just think it makes for a better shot. 🙂 I am using my daughter for practice at the moment as I have a photoshoot on Sunday with a girl of a similar age.

  4. I have always realized that the little boy or the girl was always there.. inside.. angry that no one is paying heed any more – locked inside his room.. And I strived to keep him alive.. every now and then.. flee from this world that wants you to always “Fit in” – do this and not do that!

    People talk – but I care for the kiddo inside.. cant let him die…thats my lifeline !

  5. For me

    I’ve always kept doing the things I’ve loved to do

    drawing, laughing, playing sports, talking, learning, etc

    my daughter and her friends

    consider me a big kid … just one of them

    1. Well it’s better to have a father who likes to be a big kid than one who taking life so serious he is never there to be the big kid. Keep the big kid alive, it’s the only way to be truly alive! And I’m so glad I’m not the only one who wants to do that! 😀

  6. I always feel inauthentic….nah only kidding. I just want to say I love your posts back to Britt’s blog, and often saying what I was going to say, only you put it better and kinder….so, well, I am nominating you for the sunshine award….I do hope you will accept….this is a lovely blog. http://writingthebody.wordpress.com

  7. It takes a lot of effort, to be the same person that we are when we were a child, and with much wisdom at the same time. Often, we became someone else, at least not us anymore, just an image of the society, about being success, and being happy.

    Adversities in life are there to make us to gain our wisdom, and not to mold us into an adult that lost our heart, or at least the heart of being a child that look into the world in a beautiful way.

    A path of truth, can be a lonely journey (but with our soul/heart accompanied, it will be the greatest journey of life), are we prepare to take it with the pause (I am too into my 40 :))?
    kc

    1. Yes it does take a lot of effort to be the person we used to be! And the funny thing is when we are children we wanted to grow up, if only we had known then, that we would want to be more childlike again! Perhaps we wouldn’t have wished to grow up so fast! Thank you so much for your comment, and enjoy being 40 something it is still very young really!! 😀

  8. Hi Suzy,

    i just had to come and read this poem after you mentioned it in your comment on my blog.
    It is such a shame that we leave the child in us behind. My daughter, who has a tiny tot,, now 2 years old, just said to me the other day, “I hope he always stays gentle and kind as he is now, and doesnt let all that get lost and spoiled when he realises how harsh the world is”. I knew just what she meant. We have to learn to stand up for ourselves dont we, in all kinds of different circumstances. Riding round on carousels and playing with dolls doesnt last long enough, and it seems only with hindsight do we wish we had been able to keep the child in us. But I guess its never too late to let her re-emerge. 🙂

    Your poem really made me think. The child in me is yawning and stretching ready for play!

    I thought I was following your blog, apparently not, or if I was I must have lost track of you because I recently had to change my email and have had to re-subscribe to everyone. Anyway I am now following!

    Sending blesings to the child in you! 🙂

    Christine x

    1. I like the way you said the child in you is yawning and stretching, ready to play. That’s a really good image actually! 🙂 We have to be realistic, that we can’t be a child again, but getting to about 40 something or more really makes a lot of people suddenly realize there seems to be a missing piece, and often it is the essence of who we were that we have left behind because of all the stressful events of this life.

      I post my writing on a writers site too called Jottify, and a woman on there had written a poem some time ago now, called Alien Child, it was a similar theme to mine and she described her inner child as the alien that was shut out, and frowning in disapproval on what had been stolen from it. So it’s a feeling a lot of us have. The task ahead now is to revisit some of those places within, and draw on them to hopefully restore some of our former self.

      Thank you so much for reading Christine, I always enjoy your interesting and intelligent comments! 🙂 And I really hope you grandson learns to hold on to the essence of his true self, it will make his adult life so much richer! 😀

  9. Great poem. I’ve been searching for the lost boy in me for sometime. On the other hand, I suppose my wife would question whether or not the boy ever left me….

    1. Haha! 😆 Well I certainly hope the little boy in you hasn’t left, that would be a disaster! Keep searching I’m sure he’s hiding in a corner somewhere! Thanks so much for the comment, very much appreciated!
      Suzy 😀

  10. Your question: What happened to that little girl? The one with big smiles
    Laughter unrestrained …
    I’ve often wondered the same. I recall laughing nonstop with a friend of mind on a bus ride … silly stuff, I’m sure. But laughter seems to come so easily to children. What changes? As you said, it’s the stuff that happens along the way.
    I’d like to recapture some of those delightful, carefree, laughter-filled moments.

    1. Yes, that laughter changes so much as we get older, and life throws at us so many unpleasant experiences, it’s a struggle to keep hold of our true selves at times. It’s not as if we can’t laugh, but it’s not quite so hysterical and uplifting or often as it used to be in childhood. I think there are people who seem to escape this, and eternally remain cheerful and untouched by the dark times in their lives, but they are rare!

      I found this You Tube video two days ago, and I always think I’m not going to laugh – but I find it impossible not too! Also, I find it strangely emotional – obviously my brain must be highlighting something that I need to return to more. I always feel there is a built in psychiatrist in my head, and it draws my attention to certain things sometimes – as long as I’m still listening! 😀 http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=RP4abiHdQpc

      1. Thanks for sharing. I’ve seen that one before. The baby’s reaction is priceless. What should be noted is Dad must have quite a sense of humor himself. What he’s ripping up is a job rejection letter. 🙂

    1. I think it’s quite a common thing for adults to want to rediscover the fun of their childhood, or in your case trying to find what you didn’t have! In some ways it feels sad to be trying to find it again, but sometimes I wonder if our comprehension of who we think we are as adults is not what we think – have we ever really ‘grown up’ or are we just altered in time?

      Well, carry on having fun and finding your inner child, certainly writing fairytales must be a good way to help you do that!!

        1. Oh, that’s great, having children of your own is a good way to be drawn into that world! I think that’s probably what I’m missing, my life seems to have gone in all the wrong direction and I never got round to having any! Although it doesn’t really bother me that I haven’t got children. I sometimes think it should, it just doesn’t though, but I’m sure they would be very useful in helping finding bits of my childhood!! 😀

          I forgot to mention in my last comment that your blog is one of quite a few at the moment that I can view OK, press the like button, but I can’t make the comment box accept my comment. It just keeps asking me to log in, when I am logged in! So just wanted you to know why I haven’t left a comment for a while. I can’t wait for WordPress to get these problems sorted – I feel included and excluded at the same time! 🙂

          1. That’s horrible about the commenting. I so love comments. Today, I had to go through my reader three times, and twice it lost all my likes. It was maddening. I liked things a third time, and I’m almost afraid to open it again. What if they are all gone again!?!? So much time spent when I could have been writing. Deep heart-felt sigh for the limits of technology.

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