I’m Alive Again

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When I was a child
I could never imagine
the life I had before me
would ever cease
could come to a final end

.

I was alive!
How could I not exist?

.

I had endless days ahead
waiting for me
to fill them with all of myself
My dreams were wild and free
and I would pretend
to be anyone or anything

.

I lived in a world
where the rules were mine
where I was never out on the edge
where I fitted in nicely
where everything
was just the right shape

.

But I ran out of childhood
and life started to get tough
The whole world changed colour
and I clashed with everything
My dreams melted like warmed wax
weak and gruesome
taking a distorted form

.

So I threw them away
forgot them all
rearranged my style
to fit in
with the greyness of the world
I conformed
I wedged myself in
adorned myself with the clothes
of the very second best
placing my life in the hands of destiny
inside my head
the words ‘que sera sera’
sang to me
soft and sweet
soothing the panic
keeping me hushed and still

.

The years passed
regret nested
like a bird in my mind
telling me I could have been bold
should not have let my dreams be discarded
how they could have been transformed
into something new
to make them burn bright

.

Forty years I missed
of the real life
of love
and laughter

.

That little bird of regret
erased everything I could have had
I believed I achieved nothing
because there was nothing to be found

.

But one day
my body began to fail
I couldn’t hold on
to me
to the world
to everything

.

Dying is what they call it
But for me –
it was more like
I’d arrived

.

Oh yes
there was an end
An end to all those dreadful things
Things I’d conformed to
Things that were not mine
Things I allowed to hitch a ride

.

An end to melted dreams
being the wrong shape
for this strange world
And the ‘que sera sera’
ceased to sing

.

I bathed in the beauty of the silence
and I saw that dreams –
are just dreams
and are nothing to regret at all
Finding love
feeling the laughter
the comfort of family and friends
connections to others
who were not afraid to admit
they stumble often
were the only true and real things

.

I’m alive again
but for those who are not like me
they will never see me
let alone
know me

.

But I am alive
and I know
I will never not exist
There are endless days
waiting
for me to fill them
with all of myself

.

Nothing will stop me
from thinking the way I do
I live each moment
with freedom
dancing in my mind

.

And exist within a world
where I’m finally allowed to remain
just the way I am

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Picture: Endless Possibilities – oO-Rein-Oo

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You might like this: Inspiring

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10 thoughts on “I’m Alive Again

    1. Thank you Christine, that’s very kind of you! Originally wrote this to read for my dad’s funeral some years ago, but it had a rhyme and I thought it made it sound a little trivial, changed my mind at the last minute and read a poem from a book I’d bought about taking time to smell the flowers. A lot lighter subject on a heavy heart! But this poem has had a serious makeover since then!! 😀

      1. “Time to smell the flowers” reminds me of a quote. Is it by Walter Hagen? I think it is “dont hurry, dont worry and dont forget to smell the flowers along the way” – whoever said it, I love this quote 🙂 xx

    2. Thanks for mentioning the quote of Walter Hagen. I looked him up on Wikipedia, I’d not heard of him or the famous quote of his. How strange that is, the poem I read at my dads funeral about smelling the flowers may well have been inspired by his quote, and my poem ‘I’m Alive Again’ was partially based on my dads life, the fact that he put so much off in life. He loved golf and only got around to playing it in the last few years of his life. So there is one of those strange little coincidences in life that keep cropping up, and my dad used to love those! And it took another lady that writes poetry to let me know – thank so much for that little extra comment!! 😀

  1. Loved your poem. Simply, crisply and beautifully written which makes it powerful.

    Related it more to women’s lives until I read that you had written it for your dad. Then I realized its true for men too, just that I never chose to see it that way.

    This poem resonates with my life so much and I’m sure with many others too.
    The picture that comes to my mind is a life’s journey that starts as child’s walk through woods among sunlight, lush greenery and wondrous discoveries. The well-worn path moves through a tunnel and I walk it as I feel I must, all the while missing all the things I left behind. My steps are heavier though the path is easy – my spirit is heavier as this is not my way. I rush when I see the light at the end and once there, my new-found wisdom tells me to walk through the forest when I come to the next tunnel. Will I?

    1. It was definitely based on my dad’s life, but it could be about anyone at all, anyone not living life as they could. Yes, I’m sure it pretty much applies to most of us, very few people actually live their life as they would like to. I love your description, I’m sure it is exactly like that! The funny thing is, at the end of someone’s life you can often see a lot of good things they did accomplish, but there always seems to be so much more that they could have got out of life. Maybe it’s our expectation that there should be more. I remember the moment my mum died, I remember thinking “Is that it, is that all there is?!” Yes, it was all there was. Life is frighteningly short.

      Thanks so much for all your reading and lovely thoughtful comments, I really appreciate the time you’ve taken, it’s nice to get some deeper thought comments at times! 🙂

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